About a month or so ago, I got in touch with a high school friend of mine. Wow, she was pregnant with her first child too! She was due first; less than a week apart from me. Her personality is tough and not sensitive or emotional. She told me that this crazy postpartum depression hits you fast and hard. She was giving me a heads up. It happened to her right after she got home from the hospital.
I wasn't a worry freak with this pregnancy and I have some confidence with babies and children. Starting Sunday afternoon, I started to check up on my baby randomly for no reason to see if she was still alive and breathing. Over the weekend, I nursed her so many times. She latched on every single time on the spot, and she had a lot of poo and pee diapers which is a good sign! So I let my husband sleep, and I was happy and confident catering to Coco. We had an in house lactation consultant come over too. Even though I was feeling great about nursing, I thought it couldn't hurt.
WELL, turns out I haven't had much colostrum [immature breast milk] and wasn't feeding the baby enough; which is actually normal and common. I knew of this fact of your newborn loosing weight in the first 2 weeks or so on average and the pain/stress of trying to nurse for the first time. Your milk takes about 3-5 days after giving birth to come in so it's not any mom's fault, but a mom could feel guilty or bad. Even though I knew of this fact and told myself that this is normal and not to feel that way when it happens to me, of course I got super sensitive. This is your baby and you wouldn't want your newborn [just a few days old!] to not be getting enough milk from you.
Then, I started to get crazy and started thinking that I would kill our newborn by accident. OMG crazy postpartum thoughts, man!! I would spazz out and worry if the baby is still breathing random times in the middle of the night. I would nervously and quickly put my finger under her nose hoping she didnt stop breathing. I would feel for her stomach moving while she was sleeping still, etc. That one night I let my husband sleep and I was watching over the baby alone in the whee hours of the night is when it hit me hard with crazy thoughts. [Your thoughts get the best of you when you're alone up late and it's dark outside!] Then she started crying a lot and I didn't know how to soothe her. We don't want to use pacifiers, but I found one someone randomly gave us, and I put that in her mouth because she wanted my breast. [I know how horrible. Plus if you're planning on nursing, you shouldn't give a pacifier to the baby before 1 month of age.] Then I couldn't sleep because I thought the pacifier might block her nose in the middle of the night without her knowing and I would wake up to a dead baby. OMG crazy thoughts I tell you. I was googling all this stuff frantically by myself, but found no answers bcos my thoughts were crazy.
Then the next morning, I started feeling like an inadequate mother. I would be all scared about her dying as a newborn, etc etc. I started frantically crying to my husband as I confessed that I'm terrified of killing our baby! And my husband helped me realize that I was a victim of these unrealistic postpartum thoughts!
When these crazy thoughts occur, don't keep them in. Until we get our normal hormones back, we're not balanced. Going to mommy support groups is so beneficial in many ways too. And I think it's good to try to be healthy than to seek help when you already have a rooted problem. Easier said than done, but yes. Mom support groups or any other get togethers and groups are great because you can share, listen, and vent all horrible, crazy, and amazing things... and be a human being and a female, not just a mom! As moms, we need to be healthy and have many interactions other than just with our newborn. We especially can use some social interaction during a new transition time like this where you want to share and ask many questions.
So speak out when you have crazy thoughts so someone can help you realize that you are not being rational and that these thoughts are not yours and not true!! Recognize and beat Postpartum early on!
I know the truth and I'm doing fine. Now, I don't believe those things I thought before. :] I have not given her a pacifier ever since. :P [Not that anything is wrong with giving your baby a pacifier!] She's been eating well. My milk has come in! And I don't worry about her dying or me killing her by accident anymore. Yay!
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